There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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