I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
PANTIES FOUND
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