He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
