did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
