I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
