hotel room ftw
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
