Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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