oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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