So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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