I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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