You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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