i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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