is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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