Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
