he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
