If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
