Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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