Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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