I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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