1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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