Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
