so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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