Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
