I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
