There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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