ya dads aren't the best wingmen
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
