Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
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I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
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We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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