i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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