stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was