There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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