The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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