My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
