i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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