You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
A bitchslap is in order.
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