Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
