I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
