called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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