My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
