So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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