There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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