You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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