You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just high enough for therapy.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
