Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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