ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I got inside last night via doggy door
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
