He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
