I heard we made out
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
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Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
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You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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