dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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