so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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