all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
