It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
