Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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