I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
