in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina