This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.