I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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