Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He better not be in your backpack
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
