Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
